My name is Amy Shook.  I’m 41 years old from Booneville, MS.  I could go into my testimony and share all of life’s disappointments, rejections and events that led me to where I am today, but I will fast forward past the broken home as a child, being messed with sexually as a young girl, feeling abandoned from split parents and failed marriages.  Those are real life issues that the enemy used to lie to me and tell me I would never amount to anything and deserved all of life’s...

My name is Eric Wood.  I am 26 years old from Dexter, Missouri.  I’ve always had the feeling that I was going to do something “big” in this life, even though I grew up feeling rejected by my father who was very abusive and controlling because he was addicted to pain medication.  I always felt like he treated me different than he treated my 2 older brothers.  I never felt loved.  My father overdosed and we found him dead in our dining room when I was 15 years old.  At the time, I...

 My name is Jacob Barnes.  I was born in 1997 in Jackson, Tennessee.  When I was young, my parents moved us to Kennett, Missouri because my father was from there.  My parents were young, and my dad couldn’t handle the pressure, so he drank and used drugs and hung out with the wrong people, often leaving me and my mom and sisters to fend for ourselves.  Eventually, my parents split up and my mom ended up moving all of us in with her boyfriend in a nice house.  This didn’t last long...

My name is Robert Jones.  I am 36 years old from Jackson, MS.  My life has been hard from the very start.  I was born with a hole in my heart and 2 ruptured hernias in my abdomen; I am told that during this time, I contracted scarlet fever.  I was a very sick baby.  I survived this only to be abandoned by my father at age 2, and I was physically and sexually assaulted by someone close to me until age 8.  My mother  re-married during this time to a man who would adopt me, but again I...

My name is Earl Gyger and I’m 42 years old from Forsyth, MO. My childhood was great, but at the age of 14, I was introduced to “crank”, which is                             now known as crystal methamphetamine. That choice I made back then led to an emotional roller coaster of bad relationships and a very dark and                            ugly lifestyle. I stopped using meth for a short time and got married. She had a 2-year-old daughter and...

My name is Jessie Crank. I am 35 years old from Blytheville, Arkansas.  I am the mother of 3 beautiful girls ages 16, 15 and 12.  I grew up in a good home with 2 older sisters.  My parents were married and they both worked to provide a nice home for me and my sisters.  I grew up going to a Baptist church every Wednesday and twice on Sunday.  I got saved by asking Jesus into my heart at the age of 8 but I never had a relationship with Him.  When I was 12 years old, my parents got...

My name is Ian Miller.  I am 39 years old from Taft, California.  I was born to a very good family and brought up in a very loving and somewhat sheltered environment.  My family is a very multi-racial melting pot, so I was raised to love and accept others.  I was raised Catholic and had my first Holy communion with people I am still friends with to this day.  I knew God from a very young age and walked with Him to the best of my ability and understanding until about the 7th grade, when I...

My name is Courtney Shipley. I am 28 years old. I was born in Southern California to loving parents and grew up in church. Since I grew up in a good home and never struggled with drugs, I really didn’t think I had a testimony for a long time. Yes, my life felt lonely and empty, but I had no idea why.  I was married to my high school sweetheart, we owned a home, we both drove brand new cars, and we both had respectable jobs that paid well.  On the outside, my life lacked nothing. Yet, week...

My name is Clair Florence.  I am 58 years old.  I was born and raised on a farm in central Illinois.  I was raised in the church and received Jesus at the age of 9, but as time went on, I didn’t act as if I was saved. I have always had issues with self-esteem, shame, and guilt.  I began drinking in high school and by the time I was in college, I was experimenting with all kinds of drugs.  I got married in 1979 and a  few years later we had two wonderful children, a boy, and a girl. ...

My name is Marissa Lesley.  I am 43 years old from Dexter, Missouri.  I have been on and off drugs since I was 12 years old.  I never really      felt like I fit in anywhere and I’ve always struggled with low self-esteem issues.  I came from a good family.  My parents divorced when I was      young, but they were both good and loving parents.  Neither one of my parents ever had addiction problems. I started hanging out with the      wrong crowd in school and that was my...

My  name  is  James McNulty.  I  was born and raised in Longmont, Colorado until I was 17 years old and then I moved to Florida.  I started using drugs when  I  was 13, but  I managed to get really good grades and I graduated high school when I was 17.  I went to college, but I didn’t finish and get a degree.  I was “managing” my drug use until I was 22 and then I really went off the deep end or jumped over the cliff, whichever way you want to say it,  I  was a  mess. ...

My name is John Van Loan, I am 42 years old and I live in southwest Missouri.   I never realized the devastation alcohol would cause in my life when I started drinking at the age of 16.  I always just wanted to have fun and party. Little did I know that the alcohol and partying would eventually consume me with sin and shame that was taking me down a road that would kill me, and a road that did destroy my hope in life, along with shattering the hope and dreams of my wife Jana, my daughter...

Hello, my name is Derrick Mitchell.  I’m 39 years old from Dexter, Missouri.  I was raised by my mother, Joan.  She worked most of the time to provide me and my sisters with everything we needed and with the things we wanted.  I was a really busy kid and I remember thinking that you needed money to get anywhere in life.  My grandma used to take me to church, but the only thing I  really remember is the play where the Roman soldiers beat up Jesus.  I was never taught to rely on...

My name is Weston Moon.  I’m 30 years old and I’m from Trumann, Arkansas.  My mom and dad  were  great parents, but  their  marriage got taken over by Satan, drugs and lies and they got divorced when I was just 6 years old. I started playing sports when I  was  5  years old and that seemed to keep me busy and out of trouble for a long time.   Not knowing at the time that these years would be the   best  years of my life and not seeing that the road up ahead was paved with...

My name is Kayla Kristin Binns.  I  am  32  years  old.  I  was  raised in Jonesboro, Arkansas in a Christian household.  My parents loved me unconditionally  and  took  very good care of me.  My parents knew that  keeping me involved in activities would keep me out of trouble, so I was very active  in  softball,  clogging  and church.  My  younger brother  and  I are best friends.  We were totally inseparable when we were growing up and we both ended up taking a wrong...

My name is Trace Cohn.  I’m 30 years old and grew up in Jonesboro, Arkansas.  I grew up in church and had a great family and wanted for nothing.  I got introduced to drugs and alcohol and my childhood innocence quickly turned to despair.  Everything that could go wrong did.  I ended up getting kicked out of school in the 8th grade and had to go to jail because of marijuana. You would have thought that jail would have scared me enough to straighten up, but it didn’t.  When I got out,...

My name is Dezirae Starcher.  I’m 27 years old, I’m from Akron, OH.  I accepted Jesus in my heart when I was in 2nd grade while attending a Christian school but I never had a relationship with Jesus.  When I was 12 years old I started dating this boy who was an alcoholic.  I made him my god.  I moved in with him when I was 16 years old.  I quickly knew it was a mistake, but my pride wouldn’t allow me to admit that, so for 12 years I put up with emotional, physical and mental...

My name is Cameron Collins. I’m 28 years old and I was born and raised in Mount Ida, AR. I have a brother that’s 2 years older than me and                            parents that got divorced when I was 4. I really don’t have many memories of them together. Both of my parents got remarried and my brother and I                          stayed with our aunt and uncle as well as my grandmother. I was raised in church until I was about 14. At the age of 14 I...

My name is Cody Ishmael. I am 24 years old and from the Jonesboro, Arkansas area.  I have 4 younger sisters and a 4-year-old son.  Growing up, I lived with my memaw because both of my parents suffered from addiction.  She always took me to church and made sure I read my Bible. I was very sheltered and hated the very thought of drugs and alcohol.  When I was a teenager, my dad came home from Federal prison and moved schools.  My addiction started off mainly because I was just trying to...

My name is Melissa Gaydos and I’m 29 years old.  My whole life I never felt like I fit in and that I needed to be different somehow.  No matter who I was around I felt all alone.  From as long as I can remember I struggled with depression.  Like what’s the point to life or does it even matter If I’m alive.  I was bullied a lot too and walked in a lot of fear.  Why doesn’t anyone like me or why can’t I just be normal are questions that haunted me.  Pain pills took all those...

My name is Kandy Riggs.  I am 49 years old from Sebree, Kentucky.  I am the 8th of 10 children.  When I was growing up, my father was an abusive alcoholic who shot at and stabbed us kids.  I have been married for 30 years and we have 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  I didn’t have my last child until I was 35 years old and I  had to have several surgeries as a result.  The surgeries resulted in pain medications which I became addicted to.  I would stop for periods of time, but I...

My name is Patrick Cook.  I am 40 years old and from St. Louis, Missouri.  I was raised by parents who did well but were alcoholics.  Growing up, I always felt different and had very few friends.  I also had a hard time fitting in anywhere because I was a very sick kid and couldn’t participate in what “normal kids” do which led to me feeling left out and very alone.  Growing up, I always said that I would never smoke, drink or do drugs and I didn’t until I went to college. That�...

My name is Tonya Leigott.  I am 29 years old, from Trumann, Arkansas.  I came from a very dysfunctional home.  When I was younger, my parents were in a mess, along with my Aunt and Uncle, it was just kind of a family thing…When I was about 8 years old; my parents let my grandparents adopt me.  My grandparents tried to give me everything that my parents couldn’t, which in turn made me spoiled and emotionally unbalanced.  My best friend died leaving my 18th birthday party after a night...

My name is Jason Motter.  I am 46 years old and I am from Millville, New Jersey.  I had a pretty normal childhood.  I am the middle child of divorced parents and we were all raised by my father.  I played a lot of sports growing up like baseball and football.  When I was 13, I got into a fight at school and got hurt.  I was prescribed painkillers and that opened a door that would take a very long time to close.  I took pain medication and chased that high for years until one day in...

My name is Hunter Willis.  I grew up in Harrison, Arkansas but now I live close to Springfield, Missouri.  I’m 27 years old and have fought drug and alcohol abuse since I was 16.  Growing up was perfect.  My family and I trained horses and rodeoed.  We went to church every Sunday and I was active in the youth groups.  My family was very close.  My dad worked and my mom stayed at home with me and my brothers.  She say’s she would ask my brother where I was, and he’d usually say...

My name is Bradley D. Boyer.  I am 48 years old and was born in St. Louis, MO where I stayed until I was 5 years old and we moved to Bakersfield, CA.  I pray that the Lord gets the glory in this testimony and that it reaches and touches the person it is intended to.  When my family moved to California, it was all a crazy lifestyle.  My father let me drink and smoke pot with him.  One day I mentioned that to his boss and I began to get beat by my father.  My dad also beat my mother and...

My name is Bobby Bean.  I was born and raised in Southern Illinois by a great mom and dad.  When I was 8 years old, my mother led me to the Lord, and I asked Him to come into my heart.  It wasn’t long after that when I started drinking and doing drugs.  I felt like I had to have just about anything and everything in order to make it through a day.  I was hopeless and paralyzed by fear without drugs helping me to numb these feelings of insecurity.  I started trying to get help through...

Hi, my name is Nathan Dell.  I am 26 years old and I am no longer a methamphetamine addict!  I spent the last 4 to 6 years of my life using drugs and hanging out with the wrong groups of people.  During that time, I turned away from Jesus  and  lost sight of who I was.  I found myself alone and broken; for the first time in my life, I was afraid that  I  may  not  make it to see tomorrow.  I realized that I needed help because I no longer even knew who I was.  I found freedom in �...

My name is Morgan Schmidt.  I’m 25 years old and I was born in Tupelo, MS.  I have a beautiful, 4 year old little girl named  Khloe Beth.  I grew up in a split home due to divorce.  I lived with my mom, but she had a problem and seemed to choose her addiction over being a other most of  the  time.  My  dad  wanted  the  best  for  me and felt  like  he   could  be a better parent so they ended up  fighting over me.  I  can remember how DHS would come to check on me...

My name is Harvey Dennis Russell, Jr.  I  am  35  years  old  and  I was  born  in South Carolina, but  I  was  raised in Essex, Missouri.  Up until I was 6 years old, I watched  my  alcoholic  biological  father beat my mother.  We  moved around a lot and I even spent some time in a foster home.  My mom took me and my sister away  from  that  situation and met my stepfather and we moved to Missouri.  The next 10 years of my life were what I consider, pretty normal. ...

My name is Stephanie Ballard.  I am 25 years old and was born in Paragould, Arkansas.  Growing up I did not have what most children had growing up.  I was born into addiction and with that I witnessed more than I should have.  My mother got shot in the neck over a drug deal gone wrong.  I was only 3 years old and I was in the back seat sleeping.  I watched my parents do everything in front of me and I felt a sense of responsibility to keep them safe.  I started doing drugs at the age...

My name is Stewart Kerr. I am 24 years old from Muncie, Indiana. I grew up in a good home with good parents, two older sisters, and two younger brothers. We grew up going to a church where my parents were very involved, as I got older, they stopped forcing me to go and I started to stray away. Then I got into sports and got busy, and I stopped going to church completely. When I was 15, I began drinking with my friends and a year later I began to smoke weed. I smoked weed for a few years and...

My name is Jordan Long and I am 26 years old.  I’m from Trumann, AR.  I was raised by my grandparents since I was 5 months old.My parents were on drugs and didn’t want to raise me and haven’t ever really been a significant part of my life.  I made fairly good grades in school.  When I was 14 my grandpa died from emphazema and throat cancer and it really hurt me and changed my life and my grandmother’s life but I have always hid my emotions.  In 2008 two weeks before I graduated...

My name is Bradley Wince. I am 35 years old, from Paragould, AR.  I had a fair childhood.  When I was in the first grade people made fun of me because I had a patch on my eye because a pit bull bit me in the eye and my eye had to be put back in. I was never the same after that.  A month before I graduated high school I lost my dad and 4 of my close friends. I was supposed to be with my friends that night, but I got sick and didn’t go out with them.  They were partying and drinking and...

My name is Stacy Jane Bannon.  I am 45 years old.  I am a native Texan.  I came from a broken home and an extremely dysfunctional childhood. As difficult as it was, I know my parents did the best they could.  I came to know the Lord and  Jesus at a very young age, attending vacation Bible school, regular church services, and church youth camps.  However, I began at a very young age feeling lonely, empty and confused seeking out anything to change the way I felt.  I went to my first...

Hi, my name is Robbie Ingram.  I’m 31 years old and I’m from Dexter, Missouri.  I was born in South St. Louis, but when I was 3 years old, my dad went to prison and my parents got divorced.  My mom decided to move me and my 3 sisters and 2 brothers to Dexter and be near my grandparents.  My mom worked a lot to support all of us, but her heart was always with us.  I can remember going to church as a child. I loved learning about Jesus and singing the kid's songs, but what I liked...

   My name is Brian Nix.  I am 45 years old and was raised in Birmingham, Alabama.  My parents raised my sister and I in a Christian household and taught us right from wrong according to the Bible.  I was very involved in church and sports and couldn’t have asked for a better childhood. When I was about 13 years old, I started drinking with my friends and over time it let to dabbling with drugs.  At 19, I entered the Coast Guard for 4 years.  I was blessed with getting to see the...

My name is Mike Shepherd, I am 60 years old from St. Louis, MO. In grade school I absolutely knew what I wanted to do with my life and that was to play soccer.  I loved it and was good at it.  When I got into high school, I got hurt playing football and my soccer dream was gone.  This threw me for a loop, and I had trouble dealing with it emotionally.  I was resentful toward the other players, not a member of the party crowd, shy with the girls and I felt like I did not fit in anywhere....

My name is Bo Sandefur and I am 23 years old. I’m from a small town in the hills of Kentucky called Horse Branch. I grew up in a good family. We always went to church, until I was 11 years old. At that time I fell out of a tree stand and I injured my back and was prescribed pain pills. That’s where my addiction began. In a very short time I learned how to synthesize methamphetamine and how to steal the ingredients for it, and I learned how to make moonshine and grow marijuana. I quit...

My name is Shannon Wayne Kender and I am 41 year old from Joneseboro, AR.  I’m no stranger to God’s love, grace and mercy.  This is my 3rd season in Mission Teens and each time He brought me out of my mess was nothing short of a miracle.  I have the best parents anyone could ever ask for they taught me to know right from wrong and shown love and discipline equally. I was saved when I was 12 or 13 years old and even though I know He genuinely came into my heart, I only asked Him so that...

My name is Tanner McCormick.  I’m 22 years old from Kennett, Missouri.  I am the oldest of 3 siblings.  My mother was addicted to pain pills, but she tried the best she could.  She blacked out a lot, so I basically raised my younger brother and sister until I was 11 years old. My mother got a boyfriend and I became very bitter.  When I was 13, I went to live with my father who I had only met once before in my life.  This turned out to be a bad decision.  I started drinking and...

My name is Trey Hollins.  I’m 24 years old rom Poplar Bluff, Missouri.  I had a good childhood.  I was raised by a single parent, my mom.  My dad came around from time to time, but he had 8 other kids and I always felt like he just didn’t have time for me, his oldest son.  I started working when I was 16 years old.  I complained about it until one day my mom told me that there was a time that she had to pick up trash just to provide for me and my sister.  Hearing that changed my...

My name is Kent Anderson.  I am the youngest of 3 boys from a loving stay at home mother and a hard working father.  Wanting to fit in to what the world called popular was my downfall.  I wanted to do all the things other kids did who had material things.  I was spoiled and didn’t even know it because others had more material things than I had but they didn’t have a father who took them fishing and hunting or a mother who spent time working in the yard or catching butterflies or going...

My name is Katlyn Juergensmeyer. I’m 27 years old from Troy, Missouri.  I grew up with 2 amazing parents and 3 siblings.  Growing up life was good.  I never needed for anything in my life, or so I thought.  I soon realized that I needed Jesus. At age 16 I went on a mission trip and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  I was on fire for God and went to church every time I could. All through High school I struggled to find out who I was.  That soon brought on depression,anxiety and...

My name is Nina Lee Beal.  I’m 36 years old.  I am a proud mother of one son, Caden.  My life has been a tough one to live.  My family was torn apart at the age of 14 when I lost my mother who had been sick most of my childhood.  Her death triggered a downward spiral that began with partying on the weekends and escalated into being a full blown meth addict.  Along with the drugs came a dependency on  people and  relationships trying to fill  a void in my life that I now know, can...

My name is Terry Lynn Jackson.  I am 48 years old and was born on a farm in a small town in Illinois.  I was the youngest of 8 siblings, so I always got hand me downs and never had anything of my own that was new, so when I  was only 5 years old, I started stealing candy from the store.  This behavior grew and by the time I was 14, I was a  full- blown alcoholic and breaking into homes. I got in so much trouble by the time I was 17, I got arrested and sent to prison for 4 years.  In...

       My name is Treyton Hartle.  I am 22 years old from Bloomfield, MO and this is how Jesus turned my life around.  On April 1st, 1998 I was born into a great family with loving parents who knew the Lord.  Following that was a life in church that was never appreciated like it should have been.  At 12 years old I gave my life to the Christ at church camp…then came high school.  The work was easy.  I wasn’t good enough to play college sports, and I found out I loved having...

My name is Courtney Freer. I am 29 years old from Piggott, Arkansas. Growing up, I had a good childhood with 2 siblings, and we were raised by a single mother. My mom tried to make sure that we always had everything we needed. I was raised up going to church, but I just never developed that personal relationship with Jesus that I needed. I started smoking pot in the 6th grade and continued until I was 17 years old. I
used to dream about going to college and making something of my life...

My name is Casey Barker. I’m 45 years old from Jonesboro, Arkansas. I am an only child that grew up in a home where my parents loved me and provided for me. I went to church, I was active in school, sports, fishing and hunting, and I worked with my dad. My dad is a good man, but at times he would speak harshly to me and it affected my self esteem negatively. At the age of 12 my best friend was killed in an accident. I began trying to numb my pain with alcohol, sex, and drugs. I tried...

My name is Jerrel Gillentine and I was born in 1978.  When I was born, my father started seeking after God and made sure that I was going to church.  I received Jesus into my heart when I was 7 years old. I now know that even though I was making bad choices, He was with me and He was protecting me. My dad owned a body shop, so, as early as second grade I can remember going there after school to sweep the floors and clean up.  Then I would go home to do my chores there. I have 10 siblings.�...

My name is Krista Bates-Duncan. I am 29 years old and live in Malden, Missouri. As I was growing up I went through many traumatic events that led                         up to my addiction. I lived in fear most of my life and did not have a clue as to what real love felt like. I didn’t understand what the word “love” even                              meant or what love looked like. As a child I was burned by boiling water at the age of three,...

My name is Jason Freeman.  I was born In Poplar Bluff, Missouri in 1982 and I was raised in Dexter, Missouri.  I have an older sister and an adopted brother and sister. My childhood was what I would consider normal.  I went to a Baptist church and I played all sports but was especially good at baseball.  When I was 13, I stopped going to church and started experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  In no time, I got in trouble for bringing drugs to school.  I got put on probation and...

Hello!  My name is Marvin Hembree; I am 40 years old and was born and raised in a small town called Clinton, Tennessee.  I am the oldest of 4 boys.  I grew up in an amazing home with two very loving parents who are still together to this day. The 4 of us boys were raised in church our whole lives and came to know God from a very young age.  I always excelled in academics in school, up until my teenage years when I began to experiment with drugs.  I have always been of a very small...

My name is LeeAnn Woods. I am 48 years old from Reyno, AR.  I’ve been blessed with two wonderful sons, Marcus and Chandler; a daughter in law, Emily and two grandsons, Chase and Ryder.  When I think about my life up until now, the scripture John 10:10 comes to mind, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.  My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” I grew up in a Christian home, going to church. I always wanted to do what was right.  My dream when I was...

My name is Melissa Jones.  I am 46 years old.  My life has never been what some call “normal”.  My dad was in prison until  I was around 12  years old.  Then when he  came home,  he was a  drug dealer  which  was   my introduction to cocaine, meth, marijuana and even the needle.  By the time I was 15, I was injecting cocaine and meth daily and had dropped out of school.  My dad ended up back in prison which left me with my mom who basically could not control me.  I ran...

My name is Skylar Matheney.  I am 35 years old.  I  am from Piggott, Arkansas.  I am a single parent of a 13 year old son,  his  name  is Devon.  He is the light of my life and beside’s God, the source of my strength.  I started off on drugs at the age of 14, mainly  drinking and then that turned into marijuana. I was introduced to meth at the age of 16  and  started on  my  downward spiral.  The last few years were terrible.  I was terrible in a lot of ways.  I  was...

My name is Michael Steward.  I was raised in California by an amazing single mother, Kathy Dixon who is married to an amazing  Christian husband, Richard Dixon.  I had everything I needed as a child and most of what I wanted.  My life was really good until I started smoking pot my senior year of high school.  I went off to college and kept smoking pot instead of fulfilling my responsibilities.   I soon found myself transporting drugs from California to the school I was “sort of”...

My name is Joseph Owens.  I’m 27 years old.  I was a drug addict most of my life.  I was born in Paragould, Arkansas.  I can remember times before I tried meth, but I never remember a time when it wasn’t in my life.  My parents were both addicts and dealers.  In the 2nd grade I woke up early one morning and decided to try coffee, but I didn’t know it had been made with filters from cooking dope.  My dad decided to keep me home from school that day.  I have always thought drugs...

My name is Russell Bishop, I am 54 years old from Highlandville, Missouri.  My father was a Baptist preacher and our lives were centered around God.  I was saved when I was 18. I attended a Bible college for 4 years and married my high school sweetheart, Sharon.  Our intention was to serve the Lord in whatever avenue He would lead us, which we did for a while. Going to church seemed to just become an obligation. Having a drink on the weekend was not uncommon, but at the time I could take...

My name is Zach Seymour. I am 28 years old from Bay, Arkansas.  I had a great childhood with a loving mother and was really into playing sports.  When I was 12 years old, I started playing basketball instead of baseball and made new friends.  I wanted to fit in with the cool crowd, so I started smoking pot and going to parties and drinking on the weekends.  I got into a 4-wheeler accident and broke my arm.  This started my addiction to pills and pain medications.  I ended up taking...

My name is Jamie Black.  I’m 38 years old.  I grew up in a small town, Russellville, Alabama.  I had a good life with a very loving mother that was always there for me and worked really hard to provide for me.  When I was 4 years old, my father took his own life as a result of drug use, so I never really had a dad in my life.  My mother has 3 brothers and they were the ones who really raised me to be a man.  Like I said I had a good life, always played sports in school but never...

My name is Rodney Walker.  I’m 42 years old and I am from Mississippi.  I had a rough childhood because my parents were always fighting, so I spent a great deal of time with my grandparents.  My grandma took me to church where I was exposed to the truth but also a lot of “religion”.  I was saved at the age of 11 but wasn’t properly discipled.  I used my involvement in sports to be a release of all the negative emotions I was trying to bottle up inside. I listened to so many lies...